A Second Look

I will be the first to admit that David works entirely too hard. He does it for several reasons. One, because there are things that need to be done. But, also, its how he was raised. His dad is the same way. So, he usually works 7 days a week, just because he can. One of those things we have had to adjust to over the years, but after 25 years, I’m OK with it. So. When he does something like he did yesterday, I am happy. He attended his 30 year class reunion. And he was there All. Day. He left at 10:30, and it was almost 10:00 last night before he got home. He did stop by the house mid-afternoon, saying that it had been moved from the restraunt they were at to the house of the gal who headed this up. He left our camera home at this point. And while he was gone last night, I uploaded all the pictures and did a montage of them for them. I called him to get an email address, and sent my “works” over. I can only imagine what all they talked about yesterday. Yesterday was about remembering old memories, and yet, it was its own memory maker. I know there are a few of them that will remember yesterday as a special day. They set the next reunion 5 years from now. They are all approaching 50, and are afraid if they wait 10 years, part of them won’t be with us anymore. Even though he works wayyy to hard, I’m glad he does understand the importance of moments and days like these, and he embraces them.

If you know me, you know that I am always spiffying up the old blog home, and “how it looks” is important to me. I had Shauna from See My Designs by Shauna come in and work her magic. She did this one, and Weighing Me Down for me, and I am loving what she did. She’s headed out on vacation this week, but I’m sure I will be a returning customer with some of my other blogs. If you would like to have a blog makeover, I would highly recommend her, and her prices are very reasonable!

Actually, so was yesterday. No problems with the network, and I was able to get the billing done. I didn’t feel the best, so left work at 4:00 instead of 5:00. Talked David into picking stuff up at the grocery store so I didn’t have to worry about supper. Today, I actually felt pretty good, and the results at my doctor’s appointment were proof of that. My sugars are all over the board, but that is because my eating is all over the board. I can definately see what I can and can’t eat by the way it reacts to my blood sugar levels. I had lost 11 lbs since my last appointment, so he was pleased with that. We talked about some other things, and he is a calling me tomorrow with a number I need to call. We are embarking on a new voyage that will improve life quality for me in ways that I don’t even think I can imagine.

I hope today goes better than yesterday. For whatever reason, my computer didn’t want to play nice with David’s computer, and so I had no network. No network means no Quickbooks. No Excel worksheets, no internet. Anything I could have been working on, I couldn’t, because I wasn’t connected. Plus, I had to listen to David getting ticked off bit by bit because no matter what he did to try and network us back together, didn’t work. That made my anxiety level go up, even though I knew he wasn’t personally mad at me.

I worked up the bank deposit, and at 3:30 announced that I was going to go do something productive — take the deposit to the bank. And No. I wasn’t coming back.

He says its fixed. I hope so. We were doing so good yesterday. Lately, he has been 3-4:00 getting the billing to me, and so it takes me Monday AND Tuesday to get it done. Yesterday, he had it all checked by 1:15. I was entering data at 1:30. I was cussing my computer at 1:45.

I really do hope today is better.

Day 18- Snow
I love snow, but only from the inside looking out. There is nothing more beautiful than a snowcovered landscape, fresh fallen snow. The world all white and glistening. But, that is as far as my love for snow goes. Beyond that, it scares me. I hate walking in it, on it. I have broken an arm walking on snow/ice. When we have winter conditions, I don’t want to get out. I want to hole up at home, with a warm blanket and a good book. Fall is more my season. Not the snow season.

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Day 17-Collecting
I have collecting alot of things along the way. But my two main collections right now are — books, and snowmen. I love all kinds of snowmen, and probably have several dozen of them. I have collected angels, and Precious Moment figurines, but its the Snowmen that have stuck with me throughout the years. That. And books. I have hundreds of books. And I continue to read them, one by one. A favorite saying is: so many books, so little time.

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Day 16 - Wife
I have been a wife for almost 25 years. Well. Actually, I’ve been a wife longer than that, but we are counting the years I’ve been married to David (not the combined total years that I have actually been married). Its been a learning experience, and yet, I wouldn’t want to be any other place. He’s not my soul mate, and most days, he’s not even my best friend. But, we are good together, and being a wife is who I am. I may not be the best wife on the planet, and I have given him a fair share pain and frustration along the way. But I have also given him my heart and my love, and he knows that. 25 years. Who would have thought?

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Day 15- Grandmother
I have been a grandma for 13 years. I was in the delivery room when one of my grandkids was born. I was in the waiting room with the rest of the family for another. A couple of my grandkids have only become my grandkids in the last couple of years, even though they are in 3 and 4th grade. I have 6 grandkids in all, and they are all amazing, in their own way. I don’t get to see them as often as I would like, but when I do, I enjoy spending time with them.

My own grandmother was a driving force in my life. We lived with her (my mom and I) until I got married. She completed the circle of love for me, that made me not miss or nor realize that I was missing a piece in my life, by not having a father. An amazing lady!

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Day 14 - Mom
I have been a mom most of my life. I had Jason when I was 16. Matt when I was 17. Sarah and Becky became my daughters when I was 22. And Ethan was born when I was 32. You do the math. I’m not the greatest mom out there, but I do have my moments, and letting go of Ethan will take some doing. There is no doubt that we are close. My own mother and I were close, best friends most of the time. That was in our adult lives. Ethan and I are friends as well, and sometimes I lack the authority I need as a mom because of that. But, nonetheless, he’s a good kid, and he will bring alot to the table as a person as he gets older.

My own mom was a driving force in my life, and now that she is gone, there is still a gapping hole where she once was. Some days are easier than others to get through, but time is a great healer, and I’m getting there.

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Day 13 - Sleep
At this point in my life, sleep is my favorite thing. I can breath, my legs/feet don’t hurt. I am not struggling. Course, all of this is made possible with the aid of CPAP machine. Otherwise, before I was diagnoised with sleep apnea, I had all kinds of weird dreams, and alot of them involved not being able to breath. Of course, we found out, it was because — I couldn’t breath. I stopped breathing many many times throughout the night. Because of the the health issues I have going on right now, combined with some of the side effects of the medicines I’m taking, climbing into bed every night, is a slice of heaven. I sleep well, and hate having to get up in the mornings. Not because I’m sleepy, but because I know once I get out of bed, all the struggles begin again. And I’m tired of living this way. The blessing to all of this though is that I do find peace when I sleep. I know people who have health issues who suffer during the day, and on into the night. At the point, sleeping is still my friend.

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Day 12 - Procrastination
I was going to write this a couple of days ago, but never got around to it. Kept putting it off. [grin]. Yes, I would have to admit that I could probably sum up my whole life around procrastination. I tend to put things off. Esp. if they involve unpleasant or overwhelming factors. I was 3 weeks late when I was born. Jason was 10 days overdue, Matt was 3 weeks late, and even Ethan, who was “planned to be born” — with induction — on a certain date, he procrastinated until 5 days later. Part of it is I just don’t like dealing with things. And also, there just always seems to be a million things going on in my life, and so I do what I like doing first, and procrasinate the rest. But then, I suppose thats the whole concept of procrastination.

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Day 11 - Non-Organized
Which would explain why my life seems to be so chaotic. They say your mental state of mind often revolves around your physical state. At the church, it is usually pretty peaceful, and I do keep things neat and tidy there. My desk/space area at the trucking company is the same. But the surrounding area is now. David’s desk is a mess. The one next to me. And the environment is just chaotic. I try to cling to the little bit of organizer I still have in me. But there are days, I just want to close my eyes and make it all go away. My house overwhelmes me. There is so much there to do, to organize. And even when you did apply yourself, and get one area done, it seems like before the day is through, SOMEONE has gone through and clutters it back up. One is just as bad as the other. The only difference is, one has more time on his hands than the other.

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Day 10 - Organized
Besides the pain and the physical effects of what is going on with me, I think the thing I hate most about where I am in my life right now is that I don’t have the energy, physical or mental, to be organized. There was a period in my life where I thrived on being organized. I was involved in various different organizations who depended on me and my skills of organization. I’m not sure I would want to be as involved as I was, but even just on a personal level, I would love to get that part of “me” back. I love being organized. But, it takes a certain level of mental clarity and the physical energy to put it into action and allow it to happen. I have neither right now.

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David has given Ethan a list of auto parts that he needs to get for his car. David is trying to resist from just going out and fixing what needs to be fixed on Ethan’s car. That would be taking the easy way out. But Ethan needs to learn how to take car of his own car, and deal with things before they go wrong, so we don’t have to go rescue him when things do go wrong. Of course we would go rescue Ethan any time he broke down, but there are preventative things that Ethan should be doing. And granted, there are some things, he doesn’t know how to do. But, all he has to do is tell his dad, he doesn’t know how, would he help him, and David will. But David’s not going to just go out and do it because it needs to be done. Ethan needs to see, and understand why it needs to be done (like changing the oil, checking the air in tires). Sooner or later, he’ll learn.

Its been a long day. Church this morning. Brief time of quietness, than we headed for Emporia to do some shopping, and supper out for David. David wanted to get some things from Sutherlands, so Ethan and I went on down the way and went to Hastings (a book store). After that we ate a Montana Mike’s, and from there to Walmart. I needed to get a pair of shoes. Ethan told David to look around and whatever he wanted (within reason), he would pay for. David ended up buying some camping things (lanterns, weiner roasting sticks, etc). We also need to get some basic supplies, like soap, mouthwash, etc. Also wanted to see if we could find the best acne treatment product Walmart could offer. Ethan doesn’t have too many problems with zits on his face — a few here and there, but he does get alot on his back, and they are painful as well. So, that was something we wanted to try and get as well. Of course, when we walked out, we had spent right at $100, which is pretty typical for a Walmart run.